Late nights

Your going fail,
She’s going to leave you
Your not good enough
Your ugly
Your nobody

These are just some thoughts late at night. I know I can’t be wrong that some people have these as well. I know people get these monsters in their head. But sometimes these voices in my head. They just beat me up to much. It’s to much to cope with sometimes. My heart it runs cold sometimes like it feels like it stops. Just before bed when it’s quiet it feels like the voices start, they suddenly wake up and tick more. Start hating me. But I know I’m nice person.

I care to much maybe. Maybe I care to much about my own opinion. I’ve been raised well and my girlfriend loves me so I must be doing something right. Right? One day these demons I’ll make them stop. I need to keep feeling good about myself and hopefully the positives will over come the negatives, family they keep me going. They don’t know to much about it thankfully. My girlfriends however maybe she knows to much, but that’s because I love her. I feel sorry for her sometimes, it’s like I’m to much. I know I am, she’s amazing. And I don’t deserve her. But Im needy for reasons! Reasons what she knows but I know I’m to needy. But I’ve been left to many times before so of course im a broken girl. But she fixed me and I’m scared she’ll drop me and shattered me all over the floor because it’s a love like no others. These self doubts they will stop. What do you get when your punching way above your weight. However I’m going love myself, I’ll see myself through other peoples eyes. That’s what I want to see. Myself good. I’m happy I just need these voices and doubts to stop.

be you and be okay with it!

Also good luck to my girl whose starting a new job tonight. Very proud

An introduction to myself

So right now if your reading this then Hi, I don’t know who you are or what I’m doing but here goes nothing. I would love to say I have an idea however I’m here a bit worried. Again. This is my second attempt at a blog so let’s hope this works.

As you can see this is about being okay with yourself. This is my journey.

So here’s a basic introduction to the life I’m in..Im a girl, maybe I’m classed as a women now. Just out of my teenage years. Suddenly it becomes a little bit more now. The life you live has got to be planned soon. I’m going to be 28,000£ in debt probably a little bit more actually. Just to get a job what develops the next generatin. I’m 20 and all I can’t think about is I’m a 1/4 of the way through life. (Maybe) yet people are dying everyday for what? People are committing suicide and here I am wondering what goes on what happens. My best friend, my best friend he done it, there one second and gone the next. Life of the party. Everyone’s best friend. Yet I wasn’t there for him. To me I’ll always hate myself for that. I talk to him everyday. That’s what else this blog will be sometimes talking about him. Helping me get through it, so Thank you for listening. We’ve all been somewhere we didn’t want to be at one precious time.

Now accepting yourself begins with knowing who you are. Saying it out loud helps or write it like I am. I don’t know how to word this. But I’m bisexual. I think. Well at this moment in time I’ve had a girlfriend for sixteen months. I can say with her I’m happy. With her is my future. Yet why can’t I tell people? Because I’m scared of how much people will judge me? Scared how society has built up all this drama and news about gay couples. Isn’t love the same? Now don’t get me wrong I’ve told my friends at UNI, my team mates know and family members know. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand. But tell me why can’t I act exactly the same as a ‘different sex’ relationship. When I was growing up if I had a boyfriend I would never be asked,

OMG you have a boyfriend? How long have you been straight for? I have a straight friend as well, how do you guys have sex? How does it feel?

but yet when people find you in a same sex relationship that’s all you get. I’m very much in love with my girlfriend. So why can’t I share that in front of people.

Here’s a question as I say good night. 
How does it feel to be you? And are you proud?

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