Late nights

Your going fail,
She’s going to leave you
Your not good enough
Your ugly
Your nobody

These are just some thoughts late at night. I know I can’t be wrong that some people have these as well. I know people get these monsters in their head. But sometimes these voices in my head. They just beat me up to much. It’s to much to cope with sometimes. My heart it runs cold sometimes like it feels like it stops. Just before bed when it’s quiet it feels like the voices start, they suddenly wake up and tick more. Start hating me. But I know I’m nice person.

I care to much maybe. Maybe I care to much about my own opinion. I’ve been raised well and my girlfriend loves me so I must be doing something right. Right? One day these demons I’ll make them stop. I need to keep feeling good about myself and hopefully the positives will over come the negatives, family they keep me going. They don’t know to much about it thankfully. My girlfriends however maybe she knows to much, but that’s because I love her. I feel sorry for her sometimes, it’s like I’m to much. I know I am, she’s amazing. And I don’t deserve her. But Im needy for reasons! Reasons what she knows but I know I’m to needy. But I’ve been left to many times before so of course im a broken girl. But she fixed me and I’m scared she’ll drop me and shattered me all over the floor because it’s a love like no others. These self doubts they will stop. What do you get when your punching way above your weight. However I’m going love myself, I’ll see myself through other peoples eyes. That’s what I want to see. Myself good. I’m happy I just need these voices and doubts to stop.

be you and be okay with it!

Also good luck to my girl whose starting a new job tonight. Very proud


Worries of the summer..

So today, I got my visa. I’m traveling to the states. Somehow I’m going to spend nine weeks away from home. I’m a massive home girl. But I’m going with family. I’m going with my girlfriend. Seeee here it’s something else. Nine weeks with your other half, heaven or hell? Depends surely? What mood your in in the day, what the kids are like? No, how in love you are. I signed up to have a scholarship in America two years ago, somehow I got in. I was apparently good enough to go to the states to play football. Maybe that college wasn’t good I hear you say but it was. I done research. What kept me home debating it? Family. I couldn’t even go two days without seeing my parents or my brother and a week without seeing my Nan. Unluckily I ended up snapping my ACL and having to go to a university in England. Now that’s where I think fate had me go. Now in a matter of three months I’m going to be across the world for nine weeks. What’s keeping me going on this journey. My girlfriend. She’s keeping me going through life.

What am I worried about though? This is where I tell you as you might not of known I’m very. Madly deeply in love with my girlfriend. Our story cut short.. We played football together in an academy when we were 10. I know young. However when our club couldn’t fund us anymore we trailed for a different academy she got in I didn’t. Along thee way is saw her, and I’d always get this feeling around her. She is beautiful. She just glows. She didn’t recognise me however so we went nine years without a word. We didn’t see each other that much but we did think about eachother, whether it was just a quick little thought about the old times and old best friends or a random don’t I know that girl. She came to my university to see her friends who happened to live in my block and bam we fell in love. She was gay, I was straight however one look I contemplated everything. You could say like she does we were attached by an invisible red string like all soul mates are and no matter who we thought we were in love with that red string knew it would only be straight with us funny enough that we’re not straight. However the rest is history after one night we knew we were falling in love. Now sixteen months later I know where we will get married our kids names (hopefully) where we are living and my future will always be her. However back to the part. What I’m worried about is people, I don’t know about America maybe they are all for equal rights. But some some won’t be. I know when we were walking hand in hand we are both wary of people. In America in camp we both know it’s our work place but after jobs last summer we’d go to each other chill, cuddle, flirt, kiss. I somehow don’t think that will happen here. What I’m scared of is we will be right back as best friends, or get caught and get thrown out. But I know we will make it. That red string is soul mates. It may get tangles along the way, but just like those ear phones what are to tangled make you contemplate is it worth it for the long journey ahead of you, you sigh and get on with untangling them. Once you do.. Isn’t it worth that few seconds (maybe minutes) for the happiness you feel when you hear the sound. It’s worth that little moment in your life for the long journey what awaits you.

However, this experience. After allllll this hassle and all this money. Is going to be amazing, coaching tennis and soccer (we know it’s really football don’t we) is going to be a memory I will always keep, I know I’ll be talking about it for the rest of my life, I’ll remember the kids, the views, the sun, the tan, the laughs. The homesickness but most of all I’ll remember the happiness. All I can say is I’m ready for the best summer of my life.

So once again as I bid good night, think for a second. In that short moment of life when your about to give up and stop. Remember it’s worth it just to untangle yourself for those few seconds and be happy with the outcome instead of tangling and reducing your length.

Hugs and kisses before sweet dreams.

An introduction to myself

So right now if your reading this then Hi, I don’t know who you are or what I’m doing but here goes nothing. I would love to say I have an idea however I’m here a bit worried. Again. This is my second attempt at a blog so let’s hope this works.

As you can see this is about being okay with yourself. This is my journey.

So here’s a basic introduction to the life I’m in..Im a girl, maybe I’m classed as a women now. Just out of my teenage years. Suddenly it becomes a little bit more now. The life you live has got to be planned soon. I’m going to be 28,000£ in debt probably a little bit more actually. Just to get a job what develops the next generatin. I’m 20 and all I can’t think about is I’m a 1/4 of the way through life. (Maybe) yet people are dying everyday for what? People are committing suicide and here I am wondering what goes on what happens. My best friend, my best friend he done it, there one second and gone the next. Life of the party. Everyone’s best friend. Yet I wasn’t there for him. To me I’ll always hate myself for that. I talk to him everyday. That’s what else this blog will be sometimes talking about him. Helping me get through it, so Thank you for listening. We’ve all been somewhere we didn’t want to be at one precious time.

Now accepting yourself begins with knowing who you are. Saying it out loud helps or write it like I am. I don’t know how to word this. But I’m bisexual. I think. Well at this moment in time I’ve had a girlfriend for sixteen months. I can say with her I’m happy. With her is my future. Yet why can’t I tell people? Because I’m scared of how much people will judge me? Scared how society has built up all this drama and news about gay couples. Isn’t love the same? Now don’t get me wrong I’ve told my friends at UNI, my team mates know and family members know. Sometimes we will walk hand in hand. But tell me why can’t I act exactly the same as a ‘different sex’ relationship. When I was growing up if I had a boyfriend I would never be asked,

OMG you have a boyfriend? How long have you been straight for? I have a straight friend as well, how do you guys have sex? How does it feel?

but yet when people find you in a same sex relationship that’s all you get. I’m very much in love with my girlfriend. So why can’t I share that in front of people.

Here’s a question as I say good night. 
How does it feel to be you? And are you proud?